Milkshake

The literati mafia

In the stillness of the night
It’s the steady thump of your heart
Keeping me tethered
To this smoke hazy room,
A lacklustre altar of unholy vows.

And yet they’re sacred to me,
Because our union means it matters
In whatever microscopic way,
And the void in my heart doesn’t feel so dark.

Yet I wonder, as I collect pebbles
From paths we walked,
Whilst drinking from flasks
And chain smoking cigarettes,
If our vows were a form of sacrilege.

We never meant to be together forever,
And I pour the pebbles in an urn,
To memorialise the death of us,
Waiting and waiting for tears to come,
Wondering why it still doesn’t hurt.

Then I see them through a frosted window,
Sharing one milkshake through two straws,
A saccharine representation of what
We swore to each we’d never become,
And feel pain build in my chest
Leaving no room…

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Silence

In a land far away
Where madness is law of the land,
They kill men, women and children,
For reasons so incoherent and illogical
That their people have ceased to ask why,
They think they know the reason:

Because they can,
The power to hold life in their hands
And to take it away with a curl of their fingers,
Is what it feels like to be a king, a god,
And power intoxicates humans.

That is a delusion, this is the truth:

They allow them to,
Power cannot be held
It can only be given,
And they give so freely
That they have forgotten that it is an option,
The only people that scream for liberation,
Are those seconds away from death,
And dead men fight no battles, they win no wars,
The only effect they cause is fear to the living.

But it is a land far away,
We trust that they are not setting the precedent,
That we will never become them,
And they will never become us,
That the status quo that ensures our survival will never be broken,
And history has proven us wrong time and time again,
But we are so mighty that we transcend history.

Or we think we do,
It is man’s arrogance that blinds them to their weakness,
And consequently what leads them to the bottom
When everyone chooses their allegiances
To people who will never deserve it,
To people who will eventually kill them,
Just to prove that they are as high as God,
And in a land far away they rebel
They gain their independence
And they do not lend aid to us.

Why would they?
We set the precedent,
And apologies do not raise the dead.

Vodka Soda

I keep sinking and sinking and sinking,
I grow roots in the soil and try to drain it,
Get the nitrogen to work as a growth hormone,
And drink like it’s water, like it’ll refresh me,
The sad fact is it does, and it terrifies me,
But when my thoughts get quiet I feel normal,
Like maybe I won’t die under all the pressure,
Then the sun comes back and so does everything else.

It’s not fucking fair, this tortured artist bullshit,
I get all of the vices but none of the talent,
The more eyes I get the lonelier I feel,
Because I scream and pour it out on a page,
Yet nobody comes running, nobody fucking cares,
They just keep scrolling, forget all about it,
Or they stick around and applaud me for it,
Because my pain is so gut wrenching,
My words reach through and twist the knife,
And they feel better because we bleed the same way,
When did we forget it’s not supposed to be like this?

Fade all the lights out, until I can’t see,
Drown all my restraint in vodka,
Blow smoke into my lungs,
Fuck my brain inside and out
Burn away everything that’s left,
Until it’s all gone, until it’s all quiet,
Until all that’s left is my skeleton,
Temporarily sterilized of the poison,
And hope the cancer isn’t in my marrow.

For those few seconds I feel myself blossom,
And I don’t care about all the eyes on me,
They can’t touch me;
Air can’t fucking touch me,
Because I don’t know if I exist
When I’m not sinking under the weight.

Used to think determination defined me,
But maybe the right word is desperation,
My anxiety dug the grave but I won’t get in,
My heart is beating too hard for me to give up,
And most of the time I open my eyes relieved,
Another day, another chance this isn’t all I’ll ever be,
But sometimes I need to let go of myself,
Because I can’t stand being this sick.

CPR

You pressed your lips to mine
And breathed life back into me
After my lungs had given up
The impossible task of keeping me alive
When I found no incentive
To do so on my own.

But life moves on, the Earth keeps spinning
The hands on the clock keep ticking,
And I find that gratitude has no gravitational pull.

It wasn’t enough for Eve, who took a whole rib,
To not be seduced by the serpent’s promises,
Because at the end of the day, she was a woman,
And the greatest defect of women is that we have our own minds,
We make our own choices.

She, like I, did not ask for a life
Where we are only meant to fulfill a desire
You think you deserve,
Furthermore, my life is not important to you
Except in how it affects your physical state,
And I am not beholden to a promise I did not make.

However, if the oxygen you gave me
Was really an act of selfless love
Instead of a masturbatory investment,
Then you’ll be happy to know
I’ve taken full advantage to seek out
All the joy I could not find in our past.

Depression

It feels like drowning,
Hoping someone will save you,
But knowing they won’t.

And as the water is pulling you in,
You think to yourself finally,
At least something wants you.

It feels like drowning but in reality,
I know how to swim,
Sometimes sinking is just easier.

It’s not necessarily a want to die,
It’s just a ‘what if?’ that fills the hole in your chest,
An option when your body gets tired of fighting the waves.

It feels like drowning except not really,
Because eventually the water suffocates you
And everything stops, ends, finishes.

But I just keep going.

Lost and Found

The literati mafia

Dropping bread crumbs
Under the canopy of this dark forest,
Hoping someone will find me
But only the snakes follow,
Piercing me with poisonous thoughts
And fangs that leave incurable scars.

What if no one’s looking?
What if no one cares?

My desperation reaches new heights,
The bread starts dripping with my blood
And the vultures make a feast,
They don’t want me found by the good,
Only by the witch that means to consume me,
My soul being her only key to heaven.

What will be left when my flesh is gone?
A cautionary tale of chasing lost dreams?

However, I’m clever and quick,
Filled with too much pride
To be caught by the blind,
Their lies may taste like candy,
But they slow my feet and make me sick.

This is me, a girl fuelled my ambition
And a talent for surviving when no one is watching.

But…

Ver la entrada original 103 palabras más

After the Fire

…And the smoke clears,
The sky is streaked with pink,
The clouds are so puffy
they’re almost cartoonish,
Everything is as it was,
Except me, I’ve changed.

In the ashes, I see a baby sleeping,
And I pick her up and hold her to my chest,
Quiet and peaceful and tender,
Sweet the way innocence always is,
And I need to protect her,
It’s my new mission in life.

Her eyes are big and brown,
And they stare in fascination
At things she yearns to understand,
And she smiles at strangers,
Addicted to the attention adoration inspires;
She loves the world unconditionally.

I bathe her, and I feed her, and I care for her,
I keep her away from scales and harmful advice,
I make her steer clear from poisonous people,
And I praise her and love her and give her attention,
Because that’s all she really wants, all she really needs.

I tell her she doesn’t need to be strong and it’s okay to cry,
It’s okay to talk and it’s okay to scream and it’s okay to be mad,
You don’t have to the person everyone needs you to be,
And you don’t have to feel guilty for being yourself.

But as innocent and naive as she is, she doesn’t believe me,
And that’s the problem, I can’t shelter her from herself,
And how can I blame others for not trying when they would have failed?

But I do. Because I was the only one trying to put out the fire,
I shouldn’t have been the only one. When someone needs your help,
When someone is that close to death. Someone should care.

I’m not sorry anymore I am not who you want me to be,
Because it takes a village and I only had myself.