Give me a compass
And let it point to my true north,
I’ll climb mountains, swim oceans,
I’ll run marathons, fly spaceships,
I’ll do what it takes if only,
It doesn’t point here,
To this very spot where I’m sitting,
With tears staining my cheeks,
Feeling a loneliness so tangible
It’s suffocating me as it forces itself
Down my throat and toward my chest,
Seeking a home and somewhere to spread its roots.
It does point here,
Because it’d be heartbreaking to find out,
That every whispered thought I’ve had is true,
I’m in the wrong place at the wrong time
For everyone in my world I thought loved me,
Everyone I thought would love me back,
No matter what, forever and always, the end,
Love knows no distance too far to overcome,
Unfortunately it doesn’t seem to know me either.
If only, if only, if only
It fucking breaks when it touches my hands,
Feels all the longing that threatens to split me open,
Recognizes all the pain that people think doesn’t exist,
Because I don’t know how to translate my feelings for them,
I just know that I’m just a memory and they are my world,
Every family I have too far too hug, too foreign to talk to,
Friends scattered around the United States like a scavenger hunt,
A best friend that’s an ocean, a continent and another ocean away,
A love that could-have-been, should-have-been, never-would-have been
Tethered to the same place our potential rests, undisturbed but not forgotten,
And my mother, God, my mother, I hope both of you are together,
She’ll have so many questions for you, I have some of my own,
Like is it my fault I was unable to be at her funeral?
Because it feels unfair and I need someone to blame,
And blaming an entire government feels too much like playing the victim.
If only I could take back every kiss, every hug, every good-bye,
Become a statue in everyone’s life, infallible in its permanence,
If only I could have had the present be enough for me
So people wouldn’t act like I was exchanging them for my future,
If only my belief in my myself didn’t come at such a high price
That I sacrificed saying goodbye to the only person I’m sure loved me.
If only I cared as much as everyone thinks I don’t,
Then maybe this wouldn’t hurt so much.