Sometimes it feels like there’s holes in my spinal cord,
Making it hard to sit, to stand, to get out bed,
Something I didn’t use to know took strength,
Until I couldn’t do it, until I looked at the ceiling,
Thought this was enough because it was all I could handle
And if this was the last thing I saw before I died,
Then I would take it and thank God for His mercy.
But it wasn’t enough, because it’ll never be enough,
A hundred life times and my tongue would still burn
With the ambition to leave this world better than I found it,
Even though I don’t know what better looks like,
I could have discovered it, seen it a thousand times,
And still long for it, still want to hold it in my hands,
A greed that can never be healed because perfect doesn’t exist.
Someone told me I changed their life,
Their way of looking at the world,
And I felt nothing,
I didn’t know what they meant
When they said they started looking through my eyes,
Because I knew that wasn’t an improvement.
It’s sheer willpower that pulls me out of bed some days,
Allows me to smile at my students and encourage them,
Let’s me talk to my friends and allegedly inspire them,
Read the messages from my ex that told me I saved him,
And wonder what the hell there is that they see in me,
That I can’t see when I look in the mirror,
Because I desperately want to meet the woman people say I am.
I breath in and breathe out and long for this to finally be enough for me,
Because I am so goddamn tired of being a child with a Messiah complex,
I just want someone to encourage, inspire and save me,
And I want to feel like I deserve the comfort that that would bring me.