Empty Thrills

No dreams, no plans, no romantic gestures,
No speeding hearts or lust filled dreams,
Just a smile that felt easy;

Unlike everything else in my life.

It was the thrill of knowing there was no future,
No last minute plane rides, no repetitive goodbyes,
Like the boy who cried wolf, except the wolf exists,
Even if it’s only in my head, it’s always there waiting.

It was the thrill of knowing there was no present,
Because hope is painful when there’s no grand finale,
And knowing loves exists but that it doesn’t always matter
Is a tough pill to swallow and not an affliction I actually want.

It was the thrill of knowing there was no past,
Because somehow you were the solution in my mind,
Like what I thought was the darkness inside me
Would evaporate into thin air, and I could be blessed.

At least that’s what I think it was.

Because with you, I could be pure,
My heart would stay completely whole,
My soul would be completely my own,
My sex would be completely untouched,
And that felt like the safest choice for me.

I wouldn’t be a little girl with abandonment issues,
Because you could leave, but if I don’t care?
Well that’s an ending I can handle,
Because there’s no heartbreak, no tears,

No endless waiting for you to come back.

You’d leave and I’d survive it,
Because you can’t close a door
That was never open to begin with.

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