It’s a ticking time bomb
Inside my head, counting down.
I try to do all the right things,
Put the right foods into my body,
And do exercise that makes me happy,
Let one day end and a new one begin,
Acknowledge the past instead of burying it,
And sometimes it’s enough. Sometimes.
Other times I hear the alarm clock,
And I let it go. After eight hours of sleep.
After nine hours. After ten. After twelve.
Feel an exhaustion so deep it feels like
Only death will truly end it,
It’s a taboo thought, and worse still to speak it,
Because whether I’m right or wrong,
I know it’s not my time to find out,
And knowing that is usually enough,
I just pray there never comes a time I forget.
I lay in shavasana and succumb to the earth,
Tell myself I cannot control the world,
All I can do is be good to myself,
And I can say those words and really believe them,
But at the end of the day I remember
Why I started doing yoga in the first place,
It’s because there’s poison in my head
That my brain has made a home for,
All I can do is try to repress it,
Every moment knowing it’ll come back,
Because it always fucking comes back,
It’s a cancer that’ll never go into remission.
I’ve talked about medicines to people,
And they say that SSRIs change you,
Mess up your internal brain chemistry,
And I don’t know how to tell them
That twenty-eight years are too fucking many
With the brain chemistry I’ve been given,
That I don’t care anymore if being cured
Means I have to turn into a new person,
Because maybe that person won’t have to
Try so fucking hard to be okay and know
That she’s always going to fail,
That there’s going to be days
She doesn’t have the strength
To get out of bed or if she does
It’ll be to buy ice cream that she knows
Will act like laxatives and have a voice
Tell her that it’s just as well,
At least the calories will flush out too.
Sometimes I still remember
Being on that bathroom floor,
And feel like I never got up,
Even though I remember,
Washing my hands and telling myself
That I never wanted to be there again,
That I was going to suck
The poison out of my life,
But have I really? Can I ever?
It’s like I said,
There’s a ticking time bomb in my head,
All I’ve ever been able to do is reset it.